Working ... Already? Trying not to feel overwhelmed about it

Another week has passed me by and I am not sure whether I have hit the ground yet.

It seems as though I am now working part time, well in two weeks’ time I will be.

I always said that I didn’t want to partake in any work until Sophie was 12 months old but something has come about and I have grabbed it with both hands without really taking the time to think long and hard about it. 

I feel ready, not because I find days where I am bored or because Sophie causes me too much grief but I just need to get back out there, I need to have something more for myself and I need some more stimulation.

Heck! Who am I kidding? I have done WAY too much shopping since commencing maternity leave 8 months ago and we need the money.

This definitely is playing a part in it. What I am most happy about though is that I made the decision off my own back to start working. If it had reached the point where Rob approached me and asked me to go back to work I would begin to resent him, I would resent him for not allowing me to be at home with Sophie for the 12 months that we had previously agreed upon.

This part time work ticks all the boxes. 

Work my own hours – TICK

Does not impact on my time with Sophie – TICK

Is something that I enjoy – TICK

I attended my first day of training last Tuesday, it was fun but at the same time extremely difficult. I was away from Soph for 6.5 hours, the longest that we have been apart for. She was being looked after by my MIL and Rob ended up being there the entire time as well as he was fixing things around her house for her, I knew she was in capable hands. But it still didn’t help the fact, I wasn’t with her.

I returned home shortly after 4pm and then needed to go to the shops to get food for dinner so I packed Sophie into the car and off we hurried to the shops to then hurry home before yet another Perth storm hit. By the time I was home and had unpacked the shopping, Rob was then doing the bath, bottle and bed routine for the evening and all of a sudden I was saying goodnight to her.

All sorts of emotions ran through me.

I had hardly said boo to her all day. She is my side kick for each days adventures, sitting in her bumbo in the laundry as I neatly hang her little clothes on the airer, accompanying me on our many trips shopping, playing together, discovering new and exciting sights in the garden. Not having this for an entire day was something I found extremely hard.

I thought about all of those Mums that had to go back to work so soon after their bubs were born, my sister was one of them returning to full time work when my niece was only 6 weeks old, I was too young to realise at the time but now I feel so sad for her, how sad she must have felt each day dropping her off and not seeing her until hours later. 

I feel so blessed to have been able to spend 6 full months with her. Taking in every part of her, being there for each roll she makes and each smile.

I have two more training sessions to get through; the only thing I am thankful for is they are once a week, I don’t think I would have coped if they were three consecutive days.

After the three days of training are complete, I am able to work the hours that I want and the hours will be mainly at night which is PERFECT.

I have made an agreement with myself that this will be two nights a week until I feel ready to take the next step and increase my time away from home.

 

Of course the working hours being in the evening does impact on time with Rob but I think because he works from home and we are with each other during the day I am hoping it won’t impact too much on us.

I already feel like the little organisation freaks inside my head are harassing me …

‘Put another load of washing on’

‘The ironing is piling up’

‘List those clothes on ebay’

‘Sand and paint the chest of drawers you have been meaning to do for so long’

‘Buy a vacuum bag to store all of Sophie’s clothes in that are too small for her’

‘Call Jo’

I am trying to not let everything overwhelm me, I am usually super organised and definitely suffer from OCD, so when things slightly get out of place with my routine and I feel as though the house is closing in around me because way too many things have been left out and not packed away I certainly feel a little CRAAAAAAAZY and just want so desperately for everything to feel and look perfect again.

Even though work thus far has only taken me away from the home for one evening and one day in total, I can already feel the thoughts swirling in my head, I can already feel the nerves sinking deep within, I can feel the anxiety creeping up over my body and not allowing my shoulders to relax.

The first few weeks are going to be busy, setting up a filing system, becoming familiar with all of the processes and becoming organised again. I will have to make sure everything is in place for Sophie so when I do work one evening I am not returning home to unwashed bottles and an un-packed nappy bag if we have plans for the following day.

I am allocating tomorrow. Tomorrow to list clothes on ebay, tomorrow to pack all of the washing away, tomorrow to not put yet another load of washing on as we all can survive with the amount of clothes in our wardrobes (I have an obsession with the laundry basket needing to be empty and ALL of our clothes to be in our wardrobes at the one time), tomorrow to drop my doona off to the drycleaners so that the coffee stain & smell can be cleaned out of it (if you follow me on IG, you would have seen this), tomorrow to remove all of the junk from the laundry that was placed there after it was cleaned out of the spare room when we did a ‘de-clutter the junk room day’.

It really isn’t going to entail a lot of work, it is something that I am already enjoying from meeting other women that I will be working with, who are so passionate about it too. I am sure once I have been out there doing my thing for a few weeks I will find a new routine and I won’t be so stressed about things needing to be done around the home.

I tend to get myself into a bit of a fizzle when I am starting something so big. Rob often says to me ‘you never used to get this stressed about things’. Its OCD babe, and yep have always been like this.

Oh … and if you were wondering … I am now a Thermomix Consultant !! YAY !

Memories

Memories.

In amidst our spare room clean-up day, Rob asked if he could throw something away. Memories came flooding back as he proceeded to show me a quilt.

Not just any quilt.

A quilt in which sat on my single bed as a child, a quilt in which my Mum bought for me when she redecorated my room before I was old enough to make some choices re: wall colour, décor etc, a quilt in which my Mum also bought my sister so that we could be matching, a quilt in which I didn’t sit on because of the foam bubbles the top had, a quilt in which my dearest friend Jo made fun of me for because I didn’t let her sit on it either.

I am so glad that my Mum holds onto things. I am not so much a hoarder but a collector. I love to collect things from my childhood, from my travels, a collection of items that will help me hold onto important and special memories.

This particular item brings with it so many memories; I am already envisaging Sophie’s room perhaps being decorated around this one item, my childhood quilt.

Did you hold onto anything from your childhood?

Do you have things scattered around your home that instantly fill you with emotion when you sight them?

Sleeping Baby

3:30 am. Cries, chatting, more cries … all I can think about is WHY? Why do you sleep in until 6am when its Daddy’s turn to get up to you and you seem to always wake in the night when Mummy is back on the clock?

Tired … super tired. I gave you the dummy hoping that would settle you back to sleep, the dummy in which you never have unless Mummy is too tired to try anything else. It calmed you but didn’t send you back into slumber.

4:30 am. Cries, chatting, I tried to rock you, you can’t stand to be rocked in a baby cradling position so you are held upright against my chest whilst I hold your head and pat your bottom, you proceeded to grab and play with my nose and my hair.

I took you to our bed and laid down with you on me. Tummy to tummy. You were so content. A few pats and strokes down your back and you were asleep. I laid there for 20 mins, almost snoozing myself. I didn’t want to put you down.

5:00 am. I placed you in your cot to hopefully get another hour or so. You ended up waking ready to start your day at 7:45 am.

Thank you.

You give the best cuddles and I adore the way you snuggle into me. Daddy gets upset as you don’t cuddle him the way you do me, I secretly love that you and I share that bond.

Now tomorrow morning 7:45 am would be fabulous for your first wake up.

Thanks hunni.

On my way to a clearer me !

I have noticed that my recent posts have been a little all over the place. I wanted to apologise, I don’t believe my writing has been at its best of late.

So many things have been going through my mind lately. Already thinking about heading back to work which pains me so much.

The decision to move house which in itself is HUGE but the emotions that go with leaving this home, not just any home, the home in which we lived when Rob proposed, where we celebrated many birthdays, the front deck where Rob was standing when I ran out to him and screamed ‘WE’RE PREGNANT!’, the floorboards which I paced up and down each night during my pregnancy when my legs were cramping and I couldn’t bear to sit down, the backyard, the only yard in which Dakota has known, the home that we brought Sophie home to for the first time, her home.

I would love a bigger house to live in but with that goes more money needed to pay a bigger mortgage, longer time spent cleaning and all new memories to be created.

A friendship which seems to have dissolved and I really am unsure as to whether it will come back together.

I have felt a sadness since this came about last week. A sadness which I haven’t felt for goodness knows how long. A sadness which left me not wanting to blog. A sadness which has left me questioning too many things about myself which is not a nice feeling.

I have been through a lot in my life, I always thought that this made me a better person, that going through everything that I have meant that I was a stronger person, I don’t believe you are ever strong enough to deal with the ending of such a close bond.

It has made me re-evaluate my life, I catch myself every so often pondering almost without me realising, pondering over whether it was my fault? Was it something I did?

Not only has it left me thinking about everything that surrounds this upsetting situation but it has left me questioning everything else about my life. Rob and I deserve to sit back and enjoy this home instead of tying up loose ends with the renovation and then moving on, this won’t allow us to really enjoy the first home we owned together, the first home which we became a family in.

It is amazing how when you surround yourself in clutter at home, it takes over your entire life.

With having a small home, it means there is always STUFF everywhere. Rob and I do not cope well with clutter. Rob works from home therefore our study is his home office and as we all know men don’t keep the tidiest of rooms. Our study can look really nice when he wants it to but the past few weeks, actually months there has been an invasion of plastic, samples of products and paperwork. I hated going in there, I refused to vacuum in there as there was only a small area of floor that I could access and I knew it was getting him down each day. We got stuck into it on Monday afternoon as it was a public holiday over here in the West and it is amazing how it made us both feel. I felt a sense of being lighter already, I could feel my shoulders move down from their stiff positions up near my ears and relax to where they should be. We threw out 2 garbage bags of rubbish, paperwork that wasn’t needed, boxes from packaging, it was over the top.

Next on the list – the spare room.

Everyone has a junk room don’t they? We’re not the only ones are we?

Each day I am aiming to do something for me. Monday I baked, as I haven’t since mother’s day and it is something I love to do. I de-cluttered and cleaned, another thing which makes me feel fabulous, yesterday I went to an information session on my new possible income plan and today, I will be ??? not quite sure at this point, coffee with my favourite little girl sitting just us perhaps or a beautiful long walk around the river.

I just wanted to say the support I have received from my little online group of friends has been amazing. I am completely 100% honest and use Instagram for my daily updates and love seeing what words of encouragement or opinions my new found friendships have to offer.

I love seeing all of their updates and hope to continue to form friendships along the way, watching my little girl grow and coming along for the ride of discovering my new purpose in life.

Mind is Racing ...

I have always been an over-thinker, someone who can’t completely switch off, someone who races around like a bull at a gate with 15 things on my to-do list with about 20 minutes to do it all in.

The last few days has my head feeling as though it will burst at any second. Just a few of the things that have been happening, which have been keeping me back from my blogging.

I needed new glasses, I mysteriously lost my really good pair leaving me with a pair I bought around 5 years ago that sit wonky over my nose and the lenses are scratched. I am blind without my glasses or contacts in. BLIND. I was also told 3 years ago I shouldn’t wear my contacts as much as I was which resulted in me putting drops in my eyes every hour and going to sleep with a steroid gel in my eyes each night for a few months. Hello glasses every day.

I left myself with wonky glasses since 6 weeks before Sophie came into this world, which means for 7 months I have been making do and wearing contacts way too often and my eyes are now paying for it. I made an appt for an eye test which was today, knowing that I have already claimed 100% of my private health rebate I knew this was going to be an expensive appt. I chose some new frames which I can show off in 7-10 days, had my eye test and ordered some new contacts as I only have one pair left leaving me with handing over my credit card for a $760.80 payment.

So when will I be going back to work to help with all of this spending I seem to be doing lately?!

Which brings me to my next thought clouding my mind.

Work.

I always said I would go back to work after having 12 months off. The time is going way too quickly though, in 5 months I would have been off work for 12 months. In 5 months I will have to have had a day care organised and Sophie booked into said day care. In 5 months I will have to leave Sophie for an entire day, something I am definitely not ready for. In 5 months I will have to be able to hold an adult conversation not entirely based on what milestones Sophie has achieved in the past week and what she is now eating.

Hhmmmm in 5 months there are too many things that will be expected of me.

There is the option I have at the moment of becoming a Thermomix consultant, I love the machines and will own one if I become a consultant as I will use my commission to pay it off. The benefits from your sales seem too good to be true, I can do two evenings a week which wouldn’t impact on my time with Sophie and means I can start making an income straight away.

I went to an information session this morning so need to nut out the figures with Rob.

Which brings me to my next thought.

Homes.

We bought our house some 5 years ago. We instantly fell in love. It was a doer uppera … ha ha is that even an expression?! My Dad came and looked at it with us one day, his words were ‘a paint and prosper … you can’t go wrong’.

Some 5 years later we are still renovating.

We have done EVERYTHING. A new roof was installed after removing the old asbestos roof. We re-wired, we installed new plumbing, replaced some of the ceilings, ripped up concrete flooring, laid new wooden floor boards, new kitchen, new bathroom, new built in wardrobes, a re-paint of walls and window frames, excavated a crap load of sand from our front yard to make it level, built a huge limestone retaining wall and made a very pretty garden, built decking, laid grass, planted plants, then it was onto the back, a patio was built, more decking was installed, more grass was laid and more plants were planted.

All of this was done by Rob … yep I’m pretty lucky!!

Now after all of this hard work we want to move. I feel so many emotions about this (perhaps this needed its own blog post).

In hindsight we should have extended not just renovated, we have a beautiful character home on a big block but the house isn’t big enough, the front door opens directly to our living room, we only have one bathroom and the spare room for baby number 2 is way too close to the kitchen, the poor child would never sleep.

As I am typing this I am realising these aren’t valid points to move and perhaps they are not but property is something that we are both really interested in and we always spoke about moving on from here to a bigger family home and we both would love to build.

This is already proving to be extremely stressful. We would like to stay in the same area, the only blocks that are available are too small or too big, therefore we need too much money to buy a big block and subdivide and build two storey which we would prefer a single.

Everyone says how stressful building is, after renovating I thought I could handle it but after looking at realestate.com almost daily for a block or an old home that we could possibly knock down I am not sure I could handle 12 months of planning and finalising another home.

So this has been me, all of these thoughts running through my head, and not just for the past few days, this has been for the past weeks if not months. I can easily spend a lot of time on the couch watching Friends re-runs but there is never a moment where my mind is switched off.

I constantly have a list of bills that need to be paid running through my mind.

Sophie’s feed and sleep times for the day.

List of jobs that need to be finished around our un-finished renovated home.

Meals to be cooked for the coming week.

Loads of washing needing to be put on and folded sitting waiting for me in the laundry.

Work options to make both Mummy and baby happy.

Home plans … block options … suburb choice … money to buy said block to build said home in goodness knows what suburb.

My mind never switches off. I feel guilty at the end of each day when I haven’t crossed everything off of my to-do list. When I still haven’t made that phone call to my beautiful friend Jo who was my bridesmaid but now lives on the opposite side of the country who I told I would call last week.

Can you half tell?! This blog post is all over the place … I switch from one thought to the next too quickly.

Not unlike my cleaning. My cleaning day involves my bed made, but dirty clothes still on the floor, toilet with duck marinating at the same time as my couch being cleaned at the same time as putting a load of washing on. I don’t ever complete one job entirely before moving onto the next.

Scatter brain much ?! Signing off now before I completely bore you all and make you think ‘I’m never reading this girls blog again’.

Do I want to hold onto them or should I let them go?

I am a sensitive person but I think I am becoming too sensitive.

I have always been the kind of friend who puts 110% into a friendship, I wouldn’t always get that in return but I would continue to invest my time and energy to maintain that high level of friendship.

I have also always had a lot of friends; I continued friendships with my primary school friends when I went to a different high school to them. I made friends easily and would do whatever I could to keep them.

Over the years I have had friendships fail, for no known reason.

I am worried this is happening too often lately.

I am worried the reason is because of me.

When something happens to upset me, I can never brush it off and pick myself up again. I linger on it for some time. I delve deep into what happened and analyse each and every little thing that happened in the lead up to what made me upset. What did I say? What did I do? Was it because of this?

One of the things that I always go back to is my personality and after reading what today’s challenge is from FatMumSlim’s May photo challenge my biggest trait sprung to mind.

I am LOUD.

I always have been and I always will be.

Over the years friends of mine have always told me this, they don’t need to as I know that I am, however whenever it has been mentioned it has been mentioned in a negative way.

If you don’t like it then why are we friends?

I will laugh at anything and when I laugh it is a BIG laugh and a LONG laugh. When I talk, the general volume of it is loud and when I talk it could go on for hours.

I notice when I do something people won't comment but when another friend does the same thing the comments are endless. See I AM sensitive.

Since having Sophie I have noticed the distance between friends growing. I know things change when you have a baby especially if not all of your friends have children but I don’t think I ever wanted to believe it.

I am now at a point where I don’t have the energy to continue putting in effort if it isn’t going to be reciprocated. I have a beautiful new family which takes precedence over anyone. I should allow people to make the effort with me instead and if they don’t, then is it a friendship worth fighting for?!

* I wanted to write this post in a completely different way but after something probably so trivial I shouldn't even be worrying about has happened over the past two days I found I was typing a vent post so APOLOGIES for this...

Ironing bibs ... REALLY??

Ironing your babies’ clothes? Are you guilty of this?

I will be the first to admit that Sophie has only owned one top which required ironing, the pretty bow and structure of it needed some pressing. All of her other clothes are just so little and seem to end up (almost) wrinkle free after hanging on the line.

One thing I will NOT do is iron her bibs.

I took some of Sophie’s clothes including a few bibs to my Mums in a desperate plea for her to get the carrot stains out of them. Mum to the rescue. She succeeded and when I was at her house last week she was ironing and proceeded to point to Sophie’s clothes on the dining table.

Mum - ‘There are her clothes sweetheart, all clean and ironed’.

Me - ‘Awesome, thanks Mum! Aahhhh Mum did you iron her bibs?’

Mum - ‘Of course, I iron everything.’

I then had to admit that I don’t iron any of Sophie’s things and especially not her bibs, what will it be when she is toilet trained, ironing her undies??

I of course am grateful for Mum going to the extent of ironing them but this is definitely not something I will be starting.

This came up in conversation on Saturday night when I was out with the girls and one of my girlfriends admitted to doing this when her boys were young.

Am I the only one that doesn’t go crazy with ensuring her babies clothes are wrinkle free?

Do you iron absolutely everything?

I have a friend who irons tea towels … now that’s just plain crazy !!