News

I read this post yesterday that Eden from Edenland wrote http://www.edenriley.com/2012/06/helicopter.html.

It struck a chord with me.

Why do these things happen to the ones we love, to the ones who deserve it the least, of course nobody deserves to suffer but to those that have only done good in their lives.

I made a phone call on Sunday afternoon, one that I had been putting off for too long.

My Uncle recently passed away, of lung cancer, leaving my Aunty a widow and my 3 cousins without their Dad.

He died a month ago.

I am in shock as I type that … it took me a month to call my Aunty.

Terrible niece is what you’re thinking isn’t it?!

My Aunty is my Mum’s sister; she lives in Sydney as do all of my Mum’s family. I have met them maybe 6 times. It is not like I don’t know them but living in Perth we of course didn’t have them in our lives for all of the special events, therefore we didn’t have a relationship with them as a typical Aunty/Niece would have.

My Uncle was a very quiet man, with the times that we were together, not many words were exchanged. I definitely had a different relationship with him compared to my other two uncles who live in Sydney.

My Mum has been harping onto me to make that phone call. What was I going to say? What words would I use to try and express my sadness for her?

These are family members who I didn’t invite to my wedding, my aunties, uncles, cousins and even my Pop, my only living grandparent. How I regret this decision. At the time my Mum wasn’t on talking terms with them, something we all regret. A decision that was made by my Mum, a decision that I should have persuaded my Mum to change.

Sunday afternoon rolled around, Sophie was put in her cot for a nap and I actually had time. Time to make this phone call, I picked up my phone and searched for her number.

It was the nicest 40 minutes.

We chatted, we laughed, we exchanged words, as Aunty and niece, as two people who deserve a relationship.

She was so appreciative of my call. It made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, it made me appreciate having all of my immediate family around me, it made me realise how important one phone call can be.

We are all heading to Sydney in September. By ‘we’ I mean, me, Rob, Sophie, my Mum, my Dad, my two sisters, my two brothers and my two SIL’s. It is the first time that we would have all been together since 2005. We will all be together to help my Pop celebrate his 90^th birthday. A time that I am longing for.

Weekend Fun!

I had one of those weekends where at one point I found myself thinking ‘I am having such a good time.’

Sophie attended her first birthday party on Saturday, she got all dressed up, well Daddy got her all dressed up and she got to play with all of her friends. The birthday party was for Zane, our godson’s little brother, he looked super cute with his spiked hair and new outfit.

I made some cupcakes to help out his Mumma, it was a jungle themed party and I found the perfect cupcake toppers.

I have been super lucky with this group of friends, considering there is such a large age gap between Rob and I, I have meshed well with his friends since day one. They are such a gorgeous group, sincere, friendly and loads of fun.

We stayed in on Saturday night and we were in Thermo heaven. I made a Beef Rendang, of course completely from scratch and it was super easy and super quick – am I selling it to you yet?! It was delish, and we had THE yummiest Sticky Date Pudding for dessert. It’s a big call but I think it has to be the best I have ever eaten.

Sunday rolled around and we headed to Perth Upmarket for some handmade goodness. The stalls are all so gorgeous and I could have gone shopping crazy, the amount of people deterred me from spending loads which is a very good thing. Sophie now has two new gorgeous beanies and Mumma got a beaded necklace.

We then ventured to Wagamama’s for lunch.

It was then homeward bound for a lazy arvo.

It feels so nice to just have ‘us’ time. It almost feels like a new relationship when we are out and about on weekends, after renovating for so long and by renovating I mean Rob renovating, my weekends became just ‘me’ time. I learnt to plan things without even considering what Rob was doing as I always knew it would be things around the house.

Finally I have my hubby back.

Downside was a sore throat presented itself yesterday arvo and I have not woken up feeling better. Hhmmm my crazy days are catching up with me.

What did you get up to this weekend?

Any exciting adventures?

6 Months New !

I am in awe each and every day that you are in fact mine. You are my little girl, my very own baby and I am your Mummy, still 6 months later this is completely surreal to me.

I get to look at you and admire you, I get to experience your smiles each hour of every day, I get to cuddle you as many times as I like and I never have to hand you back.

I love that.

A few milestones have been:

You made your first attempt at a front to back roll on the 21^st March. Daddy and I were so excited. You used to be really lazy with tummy time and all of a sudden your left leg was lifting from your mat and you were trying so hard.

It only took you a week and a half to fully master this.

The day you rolled from your back to your tummy was super exciting, as soon as you knew how to do it; it was an automatic move as soon as we placed you down. You kick your little legs like crazy each time you’re on your tummy.

A week prior to your 5 month birthday you started grabbing your feet.

You sat up for the first time on the 25^th May … you were 5 months and 6 days new. We were in the front garden; I think the squishiness of the grass helped.

You went on the swings for the first time on the 28^th May. It was a Monday and we went for a stroll to the river with Daddy and Dakota and I sat you on my lap. I sat back and took it all in, the view, the peace and the fact that one of my childhood loves was now being shared with my very own little girl.

You were super amazing when we started solids, we started with carrot which you loved, Mummy on the other hand not so much as it was super difficult to get out of your clothes. We had to give a bag full of them to Grandma and of course she managed to get them clean again.

Your newest trick is to blow raspberries each time the spoon gets anywhere near your mouth. I have been spat on numerous times.

You went through a phase of fake coughing, you still make the strangest noises, I am forever worrying that you are going to hurt your throat.

Your awesome sleeping hasn’t quite continued. Each night is pot luck, some mornings you wake at 6, other mornings we get your old trick of 7:30 (this has become rare), it seems to be the norm lately to have a 5am wake up, so it’s a feed then straight back to bed for you and me. It’s the 1am, 3am and other ridiculous hours that I can’t handle.

You are attending your first birthday party tomorrow for your little mate Zane, Mummy already has the outfit planned and laid out.

Yep, your Mum is a little crazy like that.

The past 6 months have gone by super-fast, everyone said they would.

You have grown in leaps and bounds over the past three months. Your personality continues to evolve and both Daddy and I fall more in love with you each day.

Working ... Already? Trying not to feel overwhelmed about it

Another week has passed me by and I am not sure whether I have hit the ground yet.

It seems as though I am now working part time, well in two weeks’ time I will be.

I always said that I didn’t want to partake in any work until Sophie was 12 months old but something has come about and I have grabbed it with both hands without really taking the time to think long and hard about it. 

I feel ready, not because I find days where I am bored or because Sophie causes me too much grief but I just need to get back out there, I need to have something more for myself and I need some more stimulation.

Heck! Who am I kidding? I have done WAY too much shopping since commencing maternity leave 8 months ago and we need the money.

This definitely is playing a part in it. What I am most happy about though is that I made the decision off my own back to start working. If it had reached the point where Rob approached me and asked me to go back to work I would begin to resent him, I would resent him for not allowing me to be at home with Sophie for the 12 months that we had previously agreed upon.

This part time work ticks all the boxes. 

Work my own hours – TICK

Does not impact on my time with Sophie – TICK

Is something that I enjoy – TICK

I attended my first day of training last Tuesday, it was fun but at the same time extremely difficult. I was away from Soph for 6.5 hours, the longest that we have been apart for. She was being looked after by my MIL and Rob ended up being there the entire time as well as he was fixing things around her house for her, I knew she was in capable hands. But it still didn’t help the fact, I wasn’t with her.

I returned home shortly after 4pm and then needed to go to the shops to get food for dinner so I packed Sophie into the car and off we hurried to the shops to then hurry home before yet another Perth storm hit. By the time I was home and had unpacked the shopping, Rob was then doing the bath, bottle and bed routine for the evening and all of a sudden I was saying goodnight to her.

All sorts of emotions ran through me.

I had hardly said boo to her all day. She is my side kick for each days adventures, sitting in her bumbo in the laundry as I neatly hang her little clothes on the airer, accompanying me on our many trips shopping, playing together, discovering new and exciting sights in the garden. Not having this for an entire day was something I found extremely hard.

I thought about all of those Mums that had to go back to work so soon after their bubs were born, my sister was one of them returning to full time work when my niece was only 6 weeks old, I was too young to realise at the time but now I feel so sad for her, how sad she must have felt each day dropping her off and not seeing her until hours later. 

I feel so blessed to have been able to spend 6 full months with her. Taking in every part of her, being there for each roll she makes and each smile.

I have two more training sessions to get through; the only thing I am thankful for is they are once a week, I don’t think I would have coped if they were three consecutive days.

After the three days of training are complete, I am able to work the hours that I want and the hours will be mainly at night which is PERFECT.

I have made an agreement with myself that this will be two nights a week until I feel ready to take the next step and increase my time away from home.

 

Of course the working hours being in the evening does impact on time with Rob but I think because he works from home and we are with each other during the day I am hoping it won’t impact too much on us.

I already feel like the little organisation freaks inside my head are harassing me …

‘Put another load of washing on’

‘The ironing is piling up’

‘List those clothes on ebay’

‘Sand and paint the chest of drawers you have been meaning to do for so long’

‘Buy a vacuum bag to store all of Sophie’s clothes in that are too small for her’

‘Call Jo’

I am trying to not let everything overwhelm me, I am usually super organised and definitely suffer from OCD, so when things slightly get out of place with my routine and I feel as though the house is closing in around me because way too many things have been left out and not packed away I certainly feel a little CRAAAAAAAZY and just want so desperately for everything to feel and look perfect again.

Even though work thus far has only taken me away from the home for one evening and one day in total, I can already feel the thoughts swirling in my head, I can already feel the nerves sinking deep within, I can feel the anxiety creeping up over my body and not allowing my shoulders to relax.

The first few weeks are going to be busy, setting up a filing system, becoming familiar with all of the processes and becoming organised again. I will have to make sure everything is in place for Sophie so when I do work one evening I am not returning home to unwashed bottles and an un-packed nappy bag if we have plans for the following day.

I am allocating tomorrow. Tomorrow to list clothes on ebay, tomorrow to pack all of the washing away, tomorrow to not put yet another load of washing on as we all can survive with the amount of clothes in our wardrobes (I have an obsession with the laundry basket needing to be empty and ALL of our clothes to be in our wardrobes at the one time), tomorrow to drop my doona off to the drycleaners so that the coffee stain & smell can be cleaned out of it (if you follow me on IG, you would have seen this), tomorrow to remove all of the junk from the laundry that was placed there after it was cleaned out of the spare room when we did a ‘de-clutter the junk room day’.

It really isn’t going to entail a lot of work, it is something that I am already enjoying from meeting other women that I will be working with, who are so passionate about it too. I am sure once I have been out there doing my thing for a few weeks I will find a new routine and I won’t be so stressed about things needing to be done around the home.

I tend to get myself into a bit of a fizzle when I am starting something so big. Rob often says to me ‘you never used to get this stressed about things’. Its OCD babe, and yep have always been like this.

Oh … and if you were wondering … I am now a Thermomix Consultant !! YAY !

Memories

Memories.

In amidst our spare room clean-up day, Rob asked if he could throw something away. Memories came flooding back as he proceeded to show me a quilt.

Not just any quilt.

A quilt in which sat on my single bed as a child, a quilt in which my Mum bought for me when she redecorated my room before I was old enough to make some choices re: wall colour, décor etc, a quilt in which my Mum also bought my sister so that we could be matching, a quilt in which I didn’t sit on because of the foam bubbles the top had, a quilt in which my dearest friend Jo made fun of me for because I didn’t let her sit on it either.

I am so glad that my Mum holds onto things. I am not so much a hoarder but a collector. I love to collect things from my childhood, from my travels, a collection of items that will help me hold onto important and special memories.

This particular item brings with it so many memories; I am already envisaging Sophie’s room perhaps being decorated around this one item, my childhood quilt.

Did you hold onto anything from your childhood?

Do you have things scattered around your home that instantly fill you with emotion when you sight them?

Sleeping Baby

3:30 am. Cries, chatting, more cries … all I can think about is WHY? Why do you sleep in until 6am when its Daddy’s turn to get up to you and you seem to always wake in the night when Mummy is back on the clock?

Tired … super tired. I gave you the dummy hoping that would settle you back to sleep, the dummy in which you never have unless Mummy is too tired to try anything else. It calmed you but didn’t send you back into slumber.

4:30 am. Cries, chatting, I tried to rock you, you can’t stand to be rocked in a baby cradling position so you are held upright against my chest whilst I hold your head and pat your bottom, you proceeded to grab and play with my nose and my hair.

I took you to our bed and laid down with you on me. Tummy to tummy. You were so content. A few pats and strokes down your back and you were asleep. I laid there for 20 mins, almost snoozing myself. I didn’t want to put you down.

5:00 am. I placed you in your cot to hopefully get another hour or so. You ended up waking ready to start your day at 7:45 am.

Thank you.

You give the best cuddles and I adore the way you snuggle into me. Daddy gets upset as you don’t cuddle him the way you do me, I secretly love that you and I share that bond.

Now tomorrow morning 7:45 am would be fabulous for your first wake up.

Thanks hunni.

On my way to a clearer me !

I have noticed that my recent posts have been a little all over the place. I wanted to apologise, I don’t believe my writing has been at its best of late.

So many things have been going through my mind lately. Already thinking about heading back to work which pains me so much.

The decision to move house which in itself is HUGE but the emotions that go with leaving this home, not just any home, the home in which we lived when Rob proposed, where we celebrated many birthdays, the front deck where Rob was standing when I ran out to him and screamed ‘WE’RE PREGNANT!’, the floorboards which I paced up and down each night during my pregnancy when my legs were cramping and I couldn’t bear to sit down, the backyard, the only yard in which Dakota has known, the home that we brought Sophie home to for the first time, her home.

I would love a bigger house to live in but with that goes more money needed to pay a bigger mortgage, longer time spent cleaning and all new memories to be created.

A friendship which seems to have dissolved and I really am unsure as to whether it will come back together.

I have felt a sadness since this came about last week. A sadness which I haven’t felt for goodness knows how long. A sadness which left me not wanting to blog. A sadness which has left me questioning too many things about myself which is not a nice feeling.

I have been through a lot in my life, I always thought that this made me a better person, that going through everything that I have meant that I was a stronger person, I don’t believe you are ever strong enough to deal with the ending of such a close bond.

It has made me re-evaluate my life, I catch myself every so often pondering almost without me realising, pondering over whether it was my fault? Was it something I did?

Not only has it left me thinking about everything that surrounds this upsetting situation but it has left me questioning everything else about my life. Rob and I deserve to sit back and enjoy this home instead of tying up loose ends with the renovation and then moving on, this won’t allow us to really enjoy the first home we owned together, the first home which we became a family in.

It is amazing how when you surround yourself in clutter at home, it takes over your entire life.

With having a small home, it means there is always STUFF everywhere. Rob and I do not cope well with clutter. Rob works from home therefore our study is his home office and as we all know men don’t keep the tidiest of rooms. Our study can look really nice when he wants it to but the past few weeks, actually months there has been an invasion of plastic, samples of products and paperwork. I hated going in there, I refused to vacuum in there as there was only a small area of floor that I could access and I knew it was getting him down each day. We got stuck into it on Monday afternoon as it was a public holiday over here in the West and it is amazing how it made us both feel. I felt a sense of being lighter already, I could feel my shoulders move down from their stiff positions up near my ears and relax to where they should be. We threw out 2 garbage bags of rubbish, paperwork that wasn’t needed, boxes from packaging, it was over the top.

Next on the list – the spare room.

Everyone has a junk room don’t they? We’re not the only ones are we?

Each day I am aiming to do something for me. Monday I baked, as I haven’t since mother’s day and it is something I love to do. I de-cluttered and cleaned, another thing which makes me feel fabulous, yesterday I went to an information session on my new possible income plan and today, I will be ??? not quite sure at this point, coffee with my favourite little girl sitting just us perhaps or a beautiful long walk around the river.

I just wanted to say the support I have received from my little online group of friends has been amazing. I am completely 100% honest and use Instagram for my daily updates and love seeing what words of encouragement or opinions my new found friendships have to offer.

I love seeing all of their updates and hope to continue to form friendships along the way, watching my little girl grow and coming along for the ride of discovering my new purpose in life.