It is currently 8:48pm. This time 6 weeks ago you were one hour new and I was breastfeeding you for the very first time. I was in complete awe of you, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, we locked eyes and I was completely head over heels in love with you. It was such a surreal feeling to know that I had just endured the most incredible experience I would ever have in my life.
The joy that you have brought Mummy & Daddy in your first 6 weeks is endless. You have an amazing extended family who simply adores you; I believe you are one of the luckiest girls in this world to have 2 Grandma’s, 2 Grandpa’s, 6 Aunties, 6 Uncles and 14 cousins to share your life with you.
Your personality evolves each day, your smiles are getting bigger & bigger and recently you have found your voice, we love that you are trying to communicate with us. I dream about what you are thinking and what you are trying to say to us. I respond with an ‘I love you’.
Today you and I went to IKEA and we bought some presents for you and some of your friends. You had a really unsettled afternoon. You had a brilliant 2 hour sleep this morning, then you slept in the car and all around IKEA, when we got home you fed, fed and fed and refused any sort of nap. You finally slept on my chest for 30 mins at 5pm which led me to snooze also. We ended up going with Daddy & Dakota for a walk down to the river and you thankfully slept in the pram for the entire thing. We got home and Daddy fed you a bottle and put you down to sleep, after one re-settle you are now sleeping soundly with your hands above your head, just the way you like it.
Mummy wouldn’t have minded the lack of afternoon sleeps as at the end of the day you had slept quite a bit, but you were really grizzly, normally if you are awake for a long time, you are super content. I didn’t know what was wrong and nothing I could do would make you smile. I get so upset when you’re not calm and happy.
You love tummy time on Daddy’s chest …
Lying against Mummy’s bended legs is super comfy and you have such a fun time, constantly looking at me and around you and cracking smiles at every chance you get …
Daddy puts you on a pillow on the lounge and you look so squishy lying in the fluffiness of the pillow, you often fall asleep here …
Dakota loves you and wants to protect you, whenever she comes inside, if you have gone to bed she sniffs your capsule, your bouncer & your playmat searching for you, she then walks down towards the bedroom desperately wanting to see you and to lick your feet …
You are such a good sleeper at night time; I thank you for this …
You love cuddle time with Grandma, you fell asleep on her for over 2 hours on Australia Day, Grandma loved every minute of it …
Your lips, oh your lips, super squishy …
Mummy & Daddy love everything about you and we thank you for making our lives so much brighter and happier. xxx
This is why I stopped venturing out with my girlfriends in the late stages of my pregnancy.
Now I feel disconnected.
It is time to reconnect.
Am I ready ?!
Last night saw the first time that I have been out in a LONG time. The girls were meeting for dinner at 630pm followed by drinks, I was meant to join them for dinner but as it turned out (which was for the best) I stayed at home to feed Sophie, Rob and I had dinner together and I was able to put Sophie to bed and leave knowing that she was fast asleep and content.
I met the girls at 830, I survived until 11pm. Not too bad I think.
I was really hesitant about going, I wasn’t sure how I was going to cope driving my car into town knowing Sophie wasn’t in the car with me, knowing she was sleeping at home but could wake at any moment and may want her Mummy. Having one of my closest girlfriends out with me who is also a Mum definitely helped.
The connection and longing to be with Sophie was present from the moment that the midwives lifted her onto my chest on the 19th December.
As Mums, do we ever ‘let go’? Do we ever feel content with regaining a part of our pre-baby life? Our lives take on an entirely different direction, do we actually ever want the past to re-enter our new future?
The answer to this in which I discovered last night was YES! But just a little bit.
I believe small amounts of separation are both good for baby & Mum. It gave me a chance to miss her, to regain sanity after sleep deprivation and to feel pretty again.
The 19th January came and went … but not without me thinking about you.
I was kept busy with your beautiful sister Sophie and celebrating your cousins 7th birthday.
One year on and how life has changed. The short time that you were in my belly has helped me become a stronger person, I believe I wanted to give so much more to the beginning of Sophie’s life because of you.
Thank you for blessing us with Sophie. Mummy will never forget the bonding moments I had when I was pregnant with you.
Wow … at the end of each day I have thought about at least 3 topics that I want to blog about … none of which have turned into a blog entry. Who knew that being a new Mum would leave you with very little time and too tired to fill this very little time withsitting behind a laptop.
I half wrote an entry last week which I never had the chance to finish and post – as I re-read this post, it is amazing that as of right now I am already in a better place since writing it.
This is what was to be posted last week …
I don’t think you can ever truly prepare yourself for what lies ahead when you are pregnant. The amount that this small person relies on you is mind blowing. They turn to you when their nappy is full; the sadness seen in their faces when you haven’t gotten to them sooner when their tears have been flowing; they look at you with those adoring eyes when you have picked them up for a cuddle to ease their pain.
It is one thing to care for your new child and to provide love, cuddles and a routine but at the same time finding a happy balance with getting things done that were in your pre-baby routine.
I can’t completely relax unless the house is tidy … trust me, I have certainly loosened the strings on this. Having a hubby work from home certainly causes an OCD person like myself some anxiety. Dishes left on the bench instead of being put into the dishwasher, finger prints all over the stainless steel fridge door because he has wrapped his palm around the door whilst deciding what to eat instead of holding onto the handle, his shoes left in the middle of the living room rug instead of placed neatly next to the lounge, or better yet packed away inside his wardrobe.
I am trying to be easier on myself and not put as much pressure on getting things cleaned up so the house looks like a show home 100% of the time, I want to be there for Sophie, I want her to have my full attention when she is awake and wanting play time. I want her to know that I love her and would stop anything to be with her.
This I am working on.
I don’t like the guilt feeling. It is either the guilt of not preparing dinner prior to 7:15pm, the guilt of having mail/paperwork pile up on the bench behind the fruit bowl, the guilt of sitting on a leather lounge which I know needed cleaning over a week ago OR the guilt of not spending as much time with Sophie as I should be because I’m too busy fluffing about trying to tick petty tasks off my never-ending to-do list.
It wasn’t even Saturday or Sunday that I knew I was in a better place – it wasn’t until I got home this afternoon after 3pm.
Rob and I took Sophie on her first mini holiday. Rob’s brother and his wife own a holiday home down in the south of WA, they spend all of January down there and family and friends take turns in joining them throughout their stay so Friday was our turn.
The time spent with them was fabulous. They gave birth to a gorgeous little boy, Thomas in August. It is so lovely that Sophie has a cousin only 4 months older than her.
Soph, for the past couple of weeks has been feeding every 2 hours and she takes an hour to finish the feed, draining in more ways than one is an understatement. She continued this whilst we were away and unfortunately decided that no sleep during the day was her thing too, I found that I had to top her up with formula on a few occasions as she was just begging for more at the end of the hour.
I didn’t want to admit that I am most likely not making enough milk! I was and still am determined to breastfeed.
Tension grew between Rob and I as I was quite often MIA whilst feeding constantly and he was offering advice at every chance he got but I didn’t want to listen to it, all I kept thinking was I am a failure – I am not providing her with everything that she needs. I didn’t want to hear him saying give her formula; you need to talk to your child health nurse; she’s clearly not getting enough etc etc.
We still had a beautiful time away, had a long lunch at a winery, went down to Prevelly where the devastating bushfires were and saw the damage that had been done, had lunch on the beach, had a table tennis tournament and just enjoyed lounging around, but the thoughts were still constantly with me. I would try and only feed for half an hour, surely she was getting enough after that long, 20 mins later she would be screaming her little lungs out and I would have her at my boob again.
Breastfeeding is meant to be a beautiful bonding experience between mother and child and as much as I hate to type this … I am becoming resentful. Resentful of the fact that Rob gets Sophie at her best and I don’t.
We left as soon as she finished a feed today in the hope she would sleep for the 3 hour drive home, we were 20 mins away from home and her little lungs began their workout. Instead of pulling over on the side of the freeway for an hour, I had a bottle of formula ready to go. She polished it off and proceeded to sleep for the drive home. Once home, she continued to sleep on her play mat for 2 hours.
It was clear – Sophie had enough food in her belly enabling her to sleep longer. I’m clearly not giving her what she needs.
I expressed once we were home and at her 6pm feed I topped her up with some of the expressed milk – 15 mins of slight whinging in her bassinet she was fast asleep.
A happy baby = a happy Mummy !
Whilst she was asleep this afternoon I did 2 loads of washing, cleaned out some kitchen cupboards, unpacked the car and cleaned our leather lounge.
I was also able to have play time with her – I sang to her and we chatted, well I did most of the chatting and I got loads of beautiful gummy smiles from her.
Not only does Sophie need to sleep during the day but I need her to – for my own sanity.
I have decided that I will express after each feed and top her up with expressed milk, I will of course chat to my health nurse to see whether they can test whether I have enough milk or not but topping her up at least shows me she is getting 40mls on top of what she is getting from me. I can already see that we will have more fun times with each other because of this.
It really is a matter of taking each day as it comes and allowing yourself to learn and change things when needed!
Just some of the emotions I have felt over the past 4 weeks.
Our first week spent at home, apart from the breastfeeding, was incredible. Sophie was an angel, hardly cried, if at all, slept during the day, fed every 3-4 hours and I was only getting up once perhaps twice during the night.
I think she was still re-fuelling after playing her role during the labour.
The past week has seen a different side. Her lungs have been getting a small workout and sleeps during the day … pfft … what 4 week old needs them. She has been feeding every 2 hours during the day, sometimes becoming unsettled only after 1.5 hours and the fact that she drains both boobs and takes around an hour to do this, it doesn’t leave Mummy with much time to do anything else.
Thank god for Foxtel !
Her night time routine is still amazing, I’m still only getting up once, sometimes twice with her so the fact that I’m getting some decent sleep at night certainly helps but the days have become so draining.
The last couple of days have been a lot better as she has decided that day sleeps are her thing again. I honestly don't know how Mums out there cope when they have a screaming child constantly. The only time Sophie's cries become too much to handle is when she is really hungry. Put that boob into her mouth and she is one happy child again.
I spoke to friends who have been in the same boat and they all said as long as she is putting on weight then everything should be fine and really I thought about it, if she is getting plenty of sleep and a couple of brilliant feeds through the night, it makes sense she would want to eat like crazy during the day. Small price to pay if I am getting a decent sleep at night-time.
Yesterday, she decided that two decent blocks of sleep the night before were not enough and decided sleeping for the majority of the day and purely waking for her feeds was a good idea – this was her lying next to me on the lounge …
Being a Mum is an incredible journey …sitting all day is a very tiring exercise, this leaving me to not accomplish much else except for feeding. I don’t nap every day as I find myself lying next to her with my eyes wide open taking in every inch of her beauty, recording each facial expression, admiring the rise of her chest with each breath she takes. The pain felt when not only an almighty cry is heard but witnessing the quiver of her bottom lip, this hurts me to no end. To think that she was inside my tummy only weeks ago where I was feeling her feet kicking me, now I get to touch and tickle them and drool over her tiny little toes. Surreal is a feeling that I don’t think will ever go away.
This journey is one that I am so proud of starting … so proud of what we have created … so proud of the job that we’re doing so far … above all … so proud of Sophie !
Sophie has been absolutely spoilt since she arrived on this earth. Teddies, clothes, trinkets, it just hasn’t stopped. There are so many people that love her and they have certainly shown this.
The cubes that feature at the end of her wardrobe really only had one or two teddies in each of them before she arrived, now I don’t think there is much room for anything else to be added, we have gorgeous rattle additions, more teddies and books.
I think Sophie could possibly become like Hollywood royalty and wear a new outfit each day for over a month if she liked…
So yesterday our bedroom turned into a haven that I now love spending time in. It is fresh, beautiful and just … well … perfect !
Rob went and checked it out yesterday and not only came back with the bed, but two matching side tables at a fraction of the retail cost and they threw in a mirror for free – unfortunately we don’t have anywhere to hang said mirror but it will be kept until we are in a bigger home as it’s just too gorgeous to get rid of.
Our bedroom is of no great size and of all things it was filled with an oversized bed. It felt drab and I never felt content in there.
I have wanted to re-decorate our bedroom for some time now but I guess with adding a newborn to our little family, this task has proved difficult.
Rob, Sophie and I ventured to Harbour Town yesterday seeking bargains and with this I thought Adairs should be paid a visit.
Rob is not like your average hubby … he actually takes an interest in what the home looks like – interior wise – I couldn’t even purchase curtains for Soph’s nursery without his approval. Trust me – this is not a good thing. It drives me insane.
The visit to Adairs should have perhaps taken place when I went to Harbour Town alone, without said hubby.
Each doona cover I picked up, there was a resounding NO. Rob is in love with the hotel look, a heavy thread count cotton sheet and plain, plain & more plain is what he is after. After much discussion he managed to talk me into buying a plain white doona cover … on one condition that I could buy coloured cushions for the perfect amount of pop for the room. As I was choosing my cushions Rob became involved in this decision too where I kindly asked him to take a back seat.
We left Adairs with a new hotel looking white doona cover and 3 different sized cushions in green and latte colours, I just so happen to have a latte coloured throw which will look gorgeous thrown over the end of the bed.
Upon returning home I left the bags in the boot of the car and thought I actually don’t want to do up our room just yet … one small problem! I can’t stand our bed!
When Rob and I first met, Rob owned a king size futon bed, unfortunately when we moved into our newly renovated home together, the bedroom just wasn’t going to fit the king size, so we had to downsize. Rob’s brother kindly leant us a queen size bed frame which he had in storage, this was meant to be a temporary solution until we purchased our own. 4 years on, this purchase hasn’t been made.
It is a man’s bed !!
It sits a lot taller than your average bed, it has thick square wooden posts and a wrought iron bed head which sits way too high and a smaller version of this at the foot of the bed. The fact that we already have a small room, having this bed in here doesn’t help.
So as I was feeding Soph at 5:30am this morning, I began to peruse Gumtree on the trusty iPhone – I don’t know how breastfeeding mothers survived before the iPhone – I stumbled across a gorgeous white queen size bed. Brand new, being sold as seconds straight from the factory because of 2 hair line cracks … only $250.
I don't like talking figures but who wouldn't be happy at that price ... BARGAIN!!
I have contacted the seller and it is still available, I showed Rob a photo and he loved it – thank god – hopefully we will make time prior to the end of the week to have a look at it, if all goes to plan, this weekend will be bedroom re-decorating time!
How can I not want to decorate after oohing and aahing over this photo on Pinterest ...
Definitely not terms that are associated with a newborn.
It is amazing to have such a small being enter the world who is completely dependent on you. You are also dependent on them.
You plan to leave the house at a certain time only for little miss to be all sweaty down the back after lying in her bassinet so you change her, then she is sick all on her newly changed outfit so you take that outfit off and lie her in the middle of your bed just with a nappy on whilst you gather together another new outfit from her bursting at the seams newborn wardrobe, you return to the bedroom to witness her filling her nappy so you wait whilst she finishes her business only to discover that her nappy has become slightly loose and her pee pours through the sides onto the doona cover, through the cover onto the doona…
ROB … QUICK … HELP !!
Doona is now off the bed ready to be dropped at the drycleaners … doona cover has been washed … AND … we got to Grandma & Grandpa’s an hour later than planned.