Wow … at the end of each day I have thought about at least 3 topics that I want to blog about … none of which have turned into a blog entry. Who knew that being a new Mum would leave you with very little time and too tired to fill this very little time with sitting behind a laptop.
I half wrote an entry last week which I never had the chance to finish and post – as I re-read this post, it is amazing that as of right now I am already in a better place since writing it.
This is what was to be posted last week …
I don’t think you can ever truly prepare yourself for what lies ahead when you are pregnant. The amount that this small person relies on you is mind blowing. They turn to you when their nappy is full; the sadness seen in their faces when you haven’t gotten to them sooner when their tears have been flowing; they look at you with those adoring eyes when you have picked them up for a cuddle to ease their pain.
It is one thing to care for your new child and to provide love, cuddles and a routine but at the same time finding a happy balance with getting things done that were in your pre-baby routine.
I can’t completely relax unless the house is tidy … trust me, I have certainly loosened the strings on this. Having a hubby work from home certainly causes an OCD person like myself some anxiety. Dishes left on the bench instead of being put into the dishwasher, finger prints all over the stainless steel fridge door because he has wrapped his palm around the door whilst deciding what to eat instead of holding onto the handle, his shoes left in the middle of the living room rug instead of placed neatly next to the lounge, or better yet packed away inside his wardrobe.
I am trying to be easier on myself and not put as much pressure on getting things cleaned up so the house looks like a show home 100% of the time, I want to be there for Sophie, I want her to have my full attention when she is awake and wanting play time. I want her to know that I love her and would stop anything to be with her.
This I am working on.
I don’t like the guilt feeling. It is either the guilt of not preparing dinner prior to 7:15pm, the guilt of having mail/paperwork pile up on the bench behind the fruit bowl, the guilt of sitting on a leather lounge which I know needed cleaning over a week ago OR the guilt of not spending as much time with Sophie as I should be because I’m too busy fluffing about trying to tick petty tasks off my never-ending to-do list.
It wasn’t even Saturday or Sunday that I knew I was in a better place – it wasn’t until I got home this afternoon after 3pm.
Rob and I took Sophie on her first mini holiday. Rob’s brother and his wife own a holiday home down in the south of WA, they spend all of January down there and family and friends take turns in joining them throughout their stay so Friday was our turn.
The time spent with them was fabulous. They gave birth to a gorgeous little boy, Thomas in August. It is so lovely that Sophie has a cousin only 4 months older than her.
Soph, for the past couple of weeks has been feeding every 2 hours and she takes an hour to finish the feed, draining in more ways than one is an understatement. She continued this whilst we were away and unfortunately decided that no sleep during the day was her thing too, I found that I had to top her up with formula on a few occasions as she was just begging for more at the end of the hour.
I didn’t want to admit that I am most likely not making enough milk! I was and still am determined to breastfeed.
Tension grew between Rob and I as I was quite often MIA whilst feeding constantly and he was offering advice at every chance he got but I didn’t want to listen to it, all I kept thinking was I am a failure – I am not providing her with everything that she needs. I didn’t want to hear him saying give her formula; you need to talk to your child health nurse; she’s clearly not getting enough etc etc.
We still had a beautiful time away, had a long lunch at a winery, went down to Prevelly where the devastating bushfires were and saw the damage that had been done, had lunch on the beach, had a table tennis tournament and just enjoyed lounging around, but the thoughts were still constantly with me. I would try and only feed for half an hour, surely she was getting enough after that long, 20 mins later she would be screaming her little lungs out and I would have her at my boob again.
Breastfeeding is meant to be a beautiful bonding experience between mother and child and as much as I hate to type this … I am becoming resentful. Resentful of the fact that Rob gets Sophie at her best and I don’t.
We left as soon as she finished a feed today in the hope she would sleep for the 3 hour drive home, we were 20 mins away from home and her little lungs began their workout. Instead of pulling over on the side of the freeway for an hour, I had a bottle of formula ready to go. She polished it off and proceeded to sleep for the drive home. Once home, she continued to sleep on her play mat for 2 hours.
It was clear – Sophie had enough food in her belly enabling her to sleep longer. I’m clearly not giving her what she needs.
I expressed once we were home and at her 6pm feed I topped her up with some of the expressed milk – 15 mins of slight whinging in her bassinet she was fast asleep.
A happy baby = a happy Mummy !
Whilst she was asleep this afternoon I did 2 loads of washing, cleaned out some kitchen cupboards, unpacked the car and cleaned our leather lounge.
I was also able to have play time with her – I sang to her and we chatted, well I did most of the chatting and I got loads of beautiful gummy smiles from her.
Not only does Sophie need to sleep during the day but I need her to – for my own sanity.
I have decided that I will express after each feed and top her up with expressed milk, I will of course chat to my health nurse to see whether they can test whether I have enough milk or not but topping her up at least shows me she is getting 40mls on top of what she is getting from me. I can already see that we will have more fun times with each other because of this.
It really is a matter of taking each day as it comes and allowing yourself to learn and change things when needed!