Tuesday, 5 June 2012

On my way to a clearer me !

I have noticed that my recent posts have been a little all over the place. I wanted to apologise, I don’t believe my writing has been at its best of late.

So many things have been going through my mind lately. Already thinking about heading back to work which pains me so much.

The decision to move house which in itself is HUGE but the emotions that go with leaving this home, not just any home, the home in which we lived when Rob proposed, where we celebrated many birthdays, the front deck where Rob was standing when I ran out to him and screamed ‘WE’RE PREGNANT!’, the floorboards which I paced up and down each night during my pregnancy when my legs were cramping and I couldn’t bear to sit down, the backyard, the only yard in which Dakota has known, the home that we brought Sophie home to for the first time, her home.

I would love a bigger house to live in but with that goes more money needed to pay a bigger mortgage, longer time spent cleaning and all new memories to be created.

A friendship which seems to have dissolved and I really am unsure as to whether it will come back together.

I have felt a sadness since this came about last week. A sadness which I haven’t felt for goodness knows how long. A sadness which left me not wanting to blog. A sadness which has left me questioning too many things about myself which is not a nice feeling.

I have been through a lot in my life, I always thought that this made me a better person, that going through everything that I have meant that I was a stronger person, I don’t believe you are ever strong enough to deal with the ending of such a close bond.

It has made me re-evaluate my life, I catch myself every so often pondering almost without me realising, pondering over whether it was my fault? Was it something I did?

Not only has it left me thinking about everything that surrounds this upsetting situation but it has left me questioning everything else about my life. Rob and I deserve to sit back and enjoy this home instead of tying up loose ends with the renovation and then moving on, this won’t allow us to really enjoy the first home we owned together, the first home which we became a family in.

It is amazing how when you surround yourself in clutter at home, it takes over your entire life.

With having a small home, it means there is always STUFF everywhere. Rob and I do not cope well with clutter. Rob works from home therefore our study is his home office and as we all know men don’t keep the tidiest of rooms. Our study can look really nice when he wants it to but the past few weeks, actually months there has been an invasion of plastic, samples of products and paperwork. I hated going in there, I refused to vacuum in there as there was only a small area of floor that I could access and I knew it was getting him down each day. We got stuck into it on Monday afternoon as it was a public holiday over here in the West and it is amazing how it made us both feel. I felt a sense of being lighter already, I could feel my shoulders move down from their stiff positions up near my ears and relax to where they should be. We threw out 2 garbage bags of rubbish, paperwork that wasn’t needed, boxes from packaging, it was over the top.

Next on the list – the spare room.

Everyone has a junk room don’t they? We’re not the only ones are we?

Each day I am aiming to do something for me. Monday I baked, as I haven’t since mother’s day and it is something I love to do. I de-cluttered and cleaned, another thing which makes me feel fabulous, yesterday I went to an information session on my new possible income plan and today, I will be ??? not quite sure at this point, coffee with my favourite little girl sitting just us perhaps or a beautiful long walk around the river.

I just wanted to say the support I have received from my little online group of friends has been amazing. I am completely 100% honest and use Instagram for my daily updates and love seeing what words of encouragement or opinions my new found friendships have to offer.

I love seeing all of their updates and hope to continue to form friendships along the way, watching my little girl grow and coming along for the ride of discovering my new purpose in life.

1 comment:

  1. You are just so gorgeous.. I love that you wear your heart on your sleeve.. you have such a big heart... all things will fall into place.. but I can understand the anxiety and what ifs... I hope you start to feel better about this friendship that has come to an end.. I know its hard but try not to think about it - thats probably impossible.. but know you have people even if they are online that love and support you!

    Oh I will be landing in Perth on the 24th of July .. and will be at perth airport from 10am until 1pm if you are free for a coffee?? :) Ill be on the home straight from my holiday but would love to see a familiar face ! xxx