Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Do I want to hold onto them or should I let them go?

I am a sensitive person but I think I am becoming too sensitive.

I have always been the kind of friend who puts 110% into a friendship, I wouldn’t always get that in return but I would continue to invest my time and energy to maintain that high level of friendship.

I have also always had a lot of friends; I continued friendships with my primary school friends when I went to a different high school to them. I made friends easily and would do whatever I could to keep them.

Over the years I have had friendships fail, for no known reason.

I am worried this is happening too often lately.

I am worried the reason is because of me.

When something happens to upset me, I can never brush it off and pick myself up again. I linger on it for some time. I delve deep into what happened and analyse each and every little thing that happened in the lead up to what made me upset. What did I say? What did I do? Was it because of this?

One of the things that I always go back to is my personality and after reading what today’s challenge is from FatMumSlim’s May photo challenge my biggest trait sprung to mind.

I am LOUD.

I always have been and I always will be.

Over the years friends of mine have always told me this, they don’t need to as I know that I am, however whenever it has been mentioned it has been mentioned in a negative way.

If you don’t like it then why are we friends?

I will laugh at anything and when I laugh it is a BIG laugh and a LONG laugh. When I talk, the general volume of it is loud and when I talk it could go on for hours.

I notice when I do something people won't comment but when another friend does the same thing the comments are endless. See I AM sensitive.

Since having Sophie I have noticed the distance between friends growing. I know things change when you have a baby especially if not all of your friends have children but I don’t think I ever wanted to believe it.

I am now at a point where I don’t have the energy to continue putting in effort if it isn’t going to be reciprocated. I have a beautiful new family which takes precedence over anyone. I should allow people to make the effort with me instead and if they don’t, then is it a friendship worth fighting for?!

* I wanted to write this post in a completely different way but after something probably so trivial I shouldn't even be worrying about has happened over the past two days I found I was typing a vent post so APOLOGIES for this...

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